


If Somebody Loved You, They'd Tell You By Now

by ardett



Series: Echinacea [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Multi, Non-Consensual Bondage, Not Canon Compliant, Polyamory, Rape/Non-con Elements, Safewords, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8032225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Terushima is in love, and it's beautiful, wonderful, and everything he could ever hope for.(Terushima is in love and sometimes it hurts, aches, but it's everything he could ever hope for.)Terushima's boyfriend whispers praise into his mouth, golden and sweet.(Terushima's boyfriend whispers words down his throat, cruel and cloying.)Kuroo thinks Bokuto is cute, and he is Bokuto's boyfriend.(Terushima thinks Bokuto is cute, and he is not Bokuto's boyfriend.)Things will (never) change.





	1. Give

**Author's Note:**

> There are serious non-con elements in this story. The sexual scenes are not terribly explicit by themselves, but the story centers significantly around an abusive relationship and all the parts that consists of, including sexual, mental, and verbal abuse.
> 
> Also, btw, the title is lyrics from [That's Okay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIwcOrC9IOI) by The Hush Sound (I listen to the nightcore version)

“Teru, baby?”

Eyes fluttering dangerously with exhaustion, Terushima calls back a fatigued, “ ‘M back.” He tugs his shoes off, scrubbing a hand over his face in a desperate bid to stay awake.

“Come in here, babe.” Terushima blinks, slowly, widely. Stumbling a little over the floor, a hand steadying him against the wall, he goes into the living room. Matsuta, sprawled on the coach, gestures him closer. A hand grips his hip, stabilizing, as Terushima sags into the other boy and the coach’s fabric. He sighs heavily through his nose. “Hey, don’t sigh at me.”

“Sorry, ‘s not you.” Terushima’s eyes begin to drift closed again and his words fall back into slurs. “ ‘M super tired. Hard day.”

“You know what I think?” Matsuta leans down, whispering into Terushima’s ear. “I think you just need a stress reliever.” His fingers slip from Terushima’s hip to the band of his boxers.

Terushima realizes slowly, like headlights through fog, hazy and then blinding. He pushes on Matsuta’s chest, shaking his head. “No, Matsuta, I don’t want- Ah!” A gasp escapes him as a hand squeezes between his legs. “Wait, wait!” Matsuta ignores his outcry as he reverses their positions, pinning Terushima underneath him.

“Come on, baby, I know you want it.” Matsuta breaths into Terushima’s neck, kissing it as he tugs off the blond’s pants.

A groan is pulled out of Terushima’s throat as Matsuta works his hand into the younger’s boxers, stroking until Terushima’s protesting body reacts anyway. It’s rough and chaffing but Matsuta doesn’t seem to notice as he grabs lube from under the table.

Terushima flinches as fingers trail cold down his backside, circling his rim once before pushing in. It's uncomfortable and he squirms, clenching his thighs together but staying silent. Matsuta always hates it when he uses the safe word, especially for something like this.

Too soon, there's a second finger. Terushima can feel the stretch, feel the drag against his muscle. His body weighs hot and heavy behind his closed eyes, shuddering just barely as Matsuta sucks a hickey over his adam's apple.

“Slow down, Matsuta.” Terushima winces as a third enters him. Matsuta brushes something inside him and a involuntary whine leaves his lips.

“You're good, right, babe?” He lines up with Terushima’s entrance and Terushima feels panic fight in his chest.

“Wait, wait, _I’m not ready-_ Shit!” Matsuta pushes in all at once and Terushima digs his nails into the other’s back.

It _hurts_ , it hurts a lot and Matsuta doesn’t wait for him to adjust. Tears prick in his eyes as Matsuta starts thrusting with a rhythm, catching on Terushima’s skin where there isn’t enough slick. He knows he wasn’t stretched enough but sometimes Matsuta likes it tight and raw and Terushima feels shame crawl up the back of his throat for his selfish thoughts. This is about both of them; a relationship is give and take. He can do this for Matsuta.

He chokes back a whimper as a hard thrust brings a phantom tearing feeling and hides his face (and the tears that slip out) in Matsuta’s neck. He forces out a moan when a hand wraps around his dick because it does feel good but part of the euphoria is overshadowed by the sting in his ass. His leg jerks as a calloused pad presses into his slit and he clenches down on Matsuta’s cock and the other male comes, moaning over Terushima’s mouth.

Unpleasant warmth coats the inside of Terushima, leaking down the back of his thighs. His own orgasm is pulled out of him as Matsuta strokes him, thumbing over his sensitive slit until the pleasure is so sharp, it feels like pain. He spills over Matsuta’s hand, splattering drops on his own legs.

“Good boy.” Matsuta praises as he kisses Terushima, messy and chaotic. When they pull apart, Terushima gives him a tired, drowsy smile. “I’m going to bed. Join me after you shower.”

“ ‘Mkay.” Matsuta heads to his bedroom and Terushima waits a few moments, steeling himself, before he gets up. He wobbles a bit but he’s standing and he can walk, so he’s fine, he’s fine.

_I’m okay, I’m okay._

He turns the water on, stripping off his shirt and socks as it warms. The heat burns and soothes when Terushima steps in. He hisses between his teeth as the water runs white and red. He pretends he doesn’t see the blood. Matsuta has a bad habit of making him bleed like a virgin.

_I’m okay._

The sweat from training camp still clings to his flesh, tacky and sticky. Somehow though, it doesn’t make him feel nearly as dirty as-

_I’m okay, I’m okay._

Parts of him are still too tender to clean properly, so he just stands there under the spray, swaying on his feet with exhaustion until the water starts to run cold. Movements sluggish and lethargic, he gets out, dries, and makes his way to Matsuta’s room. He crawls into the bed and relaxes into Matsuta’s embrace as the older wraps his arms around him.

Finally, he heeds sleep’s call and drifts into unconsciousness.

 

Dawn screams through the blinds and Terushima awakens. He glances at the clock, sighing heavily as he starts to get up. Matsuta’s house is blessedly close to where the training camp is, so he’s been spending nights here, taking the consequence of waking up early for having extra time with his boyfriend. Though lately, that’s been coming with its own drawbacks.

“Fuck.” Terushima mutters as he rolls out of the bed. His arms and legs are sore from practice and more than that, there’s a persistent ache in more sensitive places. Any painkillers he usually uses are at his house and he doesn’t want to go rooting through Matsuta’s cabinets without permission, so he sucks in a breath and pushes through it.

Getting dressed and throwing together a quick breakfast, he ducks back into the bedroom to see Matsuta before he goes.

“I’m heading out.” He whispers into the room, disrupting the still air that hangs there.

There’s a groan from the bed and Matsuta squints at him, a slight frown set on his lips. “I know you have volleyball camp and whatever, Teru, but could you try and be a little quieter in the morning? Not all of us have to get up at six.”

Terushima starts guiltily, teeth digging into his bottom lip. “Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry, I didn’t mean to… Sorry.”

Matsuta turns back over, cleary dismissing the conversation, and Terushima leaves without saying anything else.

 

This is by far the biggest training camp he had ever been to, including schools from Miyagi, Tokyo and then some. There are some people he recognizes from other years, other events, but Johzenji is little known and somewhat at the bottom of the food chain. As far as he’s heard though, they’re earning a reputation for being the school with the craziest stunts, despite only pulling them off half the time.

At midday, everyone is sweltering under the beating sun, with most teams taking a lunch break outside of the muggy gyms.

Terushima grimaces as he sits down, dull pain shooting up his backside. His eyes drift lazily around the lawn, taking in the raucous teenage boys who have already forgone shirts in the blaze. Two boys, loud and energetic, look as if they’re coming to the same steps Terushima is already seated on. Sure enough, they sit right next to him, not really paying him much attention. Terushima takes another swig of his water bottle as body heat rises in the close quarters.

“Hey, hey, hey, second year captain!”

Terushima blinks, then looks over when he realizes the exclamation is directed at him. One of the boys, with wild black hair and red shorts, smirks at him dangerously. The other eagerly awaits a reply, strangely yellow eyes opened wide.

“Hmm?” He manages inadequately. His eyebrows furrow as he takes in the build and the streaked hair. “Hey, have I seen you on TV or something?”

“Bokuto here is the fourth strongest ace in the country.” The taller one interjects and Terushima watches Bokuto deflate, almost humorously for how large he is.

“Hey, I wanted to tell him!”

“Wow, good for you, man.” Terushima nods at Bokuto and watches the older boy preen with a huge smile. Something in Terushima’s mind whispers, _cute_ , and he shuts it down fast, clacking his piercing against the back of his teeth.

“So you’re the Johzenji captain, right? What was it again?”

“Oh, uh, Terushima Yuuji.”

“Kuroo Tetsurou. I’m with Nekoma.” Kuroo gestures to Bokuto. “And Bokuto’s captain of Fukurodani.”

Terushima whistles lowly, almost unintentionally. “Damn, you guys are kinda big shots.”

“We’ve heard some things about you too.” Kuroo suddenly seems very close and Terushima shifts defensively.

“Like what?” _You’re easy_ , Matsuta’s voice whispers in his head and Terushima silences it.

“Do you really have a tongue piercing?” Bokuto pops up from Kuroo’s shoulder, grinning excitedly.

Terushima relaxes, hands sagging from fists into open palms. “Yeah, man.” He sticks out his tongue, letting the metal glint in the light.

“Oh ho, that’s so cool! I want a piercing, Kuroo! It’s so badass!”

He laughs along with them and it just slips out, “Really? My boyfriend thinks it’s slutty. Asking for it, you know?” There’s a beat of awkward silence. Then, Kuroo scoffs loudly.

“Yeah, well, your boyfriend seems like an asshole.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Terushima counters without any fire behind it. (He feels like an idiot. Who does he think he is, a second year talking to third year captains from _Tokyo_? They don’t care about a sob story that isn’t even there.)

“Well, he left those, for starters.” Kuroo’s stare fixes on the younger’s neck, and Terushima pointlessly covers the hickeys there.

He laughs it off, falling back on his usual evasive, “Maybe I like it.” And throws in a wink for good measure. Bokuto smiles hesitantly, glancing at Kuroo, who stays scowling.

“Whatever, man.” The black haired boy finally says.

He pops some painkillers in his mouth, rubbing at his knee, and Terushima probably would have asked for some if he didn’t think Kuroo would immediately get on his case for a reason why. Instead, he engages in a conversation with Bokuto about a couple of crazy saves he made until they all head back to their teams.

 

Terushima winces as he bends down to change his sneakers. With all games finished for the day, he’s already said a quick goodbye to his teammates, all of whom sleep at the training camp. Ahead of him is a twenty minute walk to Matsuta’s and he’s drained and still fucking sore from yesterday. His phone flips in his hand but he pockets it instead of calling Matsuta. He just hopes his boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex tonight.

He’s about to leave the locker room when a voice says, “Catch.”

He turns automatically, hand whipping up to catch the bottle thrown towards him. He blinks down at the painkillers in his hand, glancing up to where Kuroo stands with his hands crossed over his chest. “What’s this for?”

Kuroo just shrugs. “For you. I can get more whenever.”

“I really can’t-”

“It’s fine, dude, seriously.”

“I- Okay, um, thanks.” Terushima shoves them into his bag and gives a stiff wave farewell before rushing out.

As soon as Kuroo is out of sight, he downs two of them dry.

 

Matsuta greets him at the door with a kiss but something irritated flames in his eyes as he sees Terushima’s empty hands. “You didn’t bring anything home to eat?”

“N-no.” The blond almost bites his tongue. He never used to have such a nervous stutter. “Should I have?”

“Well I told you in the morning so I certainly didn’t make anything.”

“I don’t think-”

“I’m letting you live here for free and you didn’t think you could do something as simple as bring back dinner? Come on, I’m not asking for a lot, Terushima.” He tries to think through the angry tirade. _Did Matsuta ask him to bring home dinner?_ He doesn’t remember- “Terushima!”

“Sorry, sorry. I- I can go now and-” He sees Matsuta’s annoyance grow and he cuts himself off.

“You know what?” Matsuta pinches the bridge of his nose and shame digs its claws into Terushima’s gut. “Just forget it.” He storms off to his room, slamming the door, leaving the blond still in the entrance.

Finally, after minutes of staring at the wall, Terushima makes his way to the kitchen. He grabs eggs and some vegetables because the least he can do for being such a fucking _idiot_ is cook something, even if it’s an omelet.

Halfway through, he has to stop to wipe the tears from his cheeks. He stays quiet, blessedly, no sniffling or gasps that Matsuta might hear. He doesn’t want to seem even more ungrateful. He doesn’t have the right to be upset; he’s not the one who housed a thankless brat.

He squeezes his eyes shut until he sees stars, takes a deep breath, and finishes the omelet.

Matsuta is still in his room, so Terushima leaves the dish out and wrapped in plastic, a little note reading, _sorry_ , stuck to the side.

He falls asleep on the couch.

 

In the middle of night, Matsuta wakes him and calls him sweet and thoughtful and asks him for one more thing to make it up to him. Terushima gives him a blowjob and wonders what kind of kindness it takes for a stranger to give him a bottle of painkillers and expect nothing in return.

 

“Terushima!” Bokuto waves, wide and excessive, and the blond gives a flutter of his fingers in response.

He’s taken a spot on the stairs again but if he’s displaced the third years, they don't seem to care much. Bokuto doesn’t, at least, though in general, he just appears cute and earnest and energetic in a way Terushima has to remind himself to ignore. It’s the opposite of Matsuta, who’s more prone to shutting down any of Terushima’s ideas than meeting them with the same energy. And Kuroo… He’s not sure how he feels about him yet.

“Yo.” He greets as they sit, a yawn escaping.

“Dude, you look wasted.”

“Gee, thanks.” Terushima replies, sarcasm leaking from his voice. He sticks his tongue out at Bokuto and he sees two pairs of eyes magnetize to the bit of metal there. Bokuto’s gaze flicks back up to his face and his heart does an odd jump in his chest.

“But seriously, did you get any sleep last night?”

He gives a noncommittal shrug. “I’m staying with my boyfriend since he lives around here so…”

“So… What?”

Terushima blinks at Bokuto, shoulders tensing. “So… You know.”

“I don’t-”

“Bo,” Kuroo cuts in. His gold feline eyes scrutinize the youngest one. It doesn’t feel like he’s telling Bokuto, even though that’s clearly who the comment is directed at. “They’re having sex.”

“Oh.” Bokuto’s wide eyes look like owls in the middle of the night, full moons. “So are you actually into that kind of stuff, Teru? Can I call you Teru?”

“I guess, it’s whatever, bro. I mean, that’s what Matsuta calls me, so just don’t-” _do it around him._ It’s sounds different to say aloud, so Terushima doesn’t. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

(Part of the reason that he won’t even admit to himself is that he likes Bokuto calling him that.)

“So?”

“So what?”

“Are you into that?”

“Into what?”

“You know,” Bokuto lowers his voice. “The rough stuff.”

Terushima swallows. He hopes Bokuto doesn’t notice. (Or Kuroo, he’s who Terushima really has to watch out for. Maybe he put Bokuto up to this.)

“What the hell kind of question is that?” He laughs but it sounds strained. “Are you?” He compensates.

“Depends on the person, I guess. Right, Kuroo?” Kuroo nods but Terushima gets the feeling it’s just to assure Bokuto that he’s listening.

“I guess.” Terushima looks at his nails, picking some dirt out from under them. Matsuta asked him to cut them a while ago because he kept leaving scratches, but he keeps forgetting. “I’m not really that into it. It kind of… I don’t know, hurts? I don’t like that part.”

“It hurts?” Bokuto asks, glancing at the darker haired boy, then back at the blond.

 _That sounded pathetic_ , Terushima realizes. “I, um-” _Attention-seeking and pathetic._ “I didn’t-”

“Wait, wait.” Kuroo holds up a hand. His other hand digs into Bokuto’s shoulder. “But you use safe words, right?”

“I mean, yeah.” Terushima tries to place the look on Bokuto’s face ( _Worried? Concerned? Skeptical?_ ) as he slowly answers, “I don’t really see the point, though.”

“You don’t see _the point_?” Incredulity seeps from Kuroo’s voice into his expression.

Something in Terushima’s chest squirms uncomfortably. “They just don’t always work, you know?”

“No. I don’t.”

Terushima breaks the silence with a tense laugh. “I don’t need you guys to give me the safe sex talk, alright? Can we talk about something else?”

“Teru-” Bokuto starts softly, eyes following the younger as he stands.

“I’ll see you around.” He goes back inside and finds an empty room to sit in. Alone, he heaves a gasp into his lungs, trying to breathe.

 _You’re so fucking needy. What, are you just going around spreading lies now? Making people think you’re being mistreated? Fishing for pity? Stop being so selfish!_ Matsuta’s voice screams in his head and something in Terushima’s throat grows thick and suffocating as he remembers what happened with his teammates earlier in the year. And how Matsuta had flipped out when they were alone.

(This can’t get out to Matsuta, _it can’t_. Bokuto and Kuroo won’t tell him, will they?)

Somehow, he keeps slipping up and now he doesn’t know how to fix it. Avoiding Kuroo and Bokuto would probably be best; that’s what Matsuta would tell him to do. But Terushima already knows he can’t tell Matsuta. And he doesn’t want to stop talking to the other captains.

 _Give and take._ He bites his lip, piercing rubbing against the skin. Maybe this can be his take. Just this once.

 

Later in the day, while Johzenji is prepping for bed, he seeks out Kuroo and Bokuto. A few people direct him to an abandoned gym whose windows are still lit, despite the day being officially over. The echos of volleyballs hitting the floor lure him closer.

“I don’t know, Kuroo.” A grunt, a slam.

“I agree with Bokuto.” The words are soft and low, so much so that Terushima almost can’t make them out. “You don’t really know him very well. And those aren’t necessarily telling signs. It could just be-” The voice pauses.

Bokuto’s head peeps out from the door and his face lights up when he sees Terushima. Some of Terushima’s uncertainty dissipates as he smiles back, an honest tilt of his mouth that the ace seems to bring out in him.

“Hey, hey, hey, Teru!”

“Hey. You guys free?” He fiddles nervously with his piercing, rolling the bit of metal around in his mouth.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re just practicing. Wanna come in?” Terushima nods and follows Bokuto inside. “You know Kuroo, obviously. And this is Akaashi. Akaashi, Terushima. Terushima, Akaashi.” Another boy, black haired, slighter than the other two, nods politely in Terushima’s direction.

“You need something?” Kuroo asks, hand placed firmly on his hip.

“I just wanted to…” Terushima balks, looking around but not really at anything at all. “I just wanted to make sure we’re cool. I like talking to you guys. I don’t want things to be awkward now.”

“Yeah, we’re good.” Bokuto smirking at Kuroo before directing the full force of it at Terushima. “We’re not giving up our spot on the stairs, so you’re stuck with us.”

“Okay,” A shy smile cracks on the younger’s face. “Cool.”

“Terushima,” He looks over as Akaashi speaks up. “Why don’t you join us for a bit?”

“Really?” His hand scratches at his undercut, letting hopefulness leak into his voice.

“Yeah, great idea, Akaashi!” Terushima stumbles forward a few steps as Bokuto playfully hits him on the back. “We can play two on two, me and Teru versus you and Kuroo.” The ace slings his arm around Terushima, leaning down to whisper, “Don’t worry, Teru. My overwhelming talent can more than compensate for your lack of skills.”

“Oh, I see how it is! Cause I’m a second year, yeah? I’ll show you,” He ducks out from Bokuto’s arms to stretch, grinning. “I play a mean two on two.”

 

Even as he walks back to Matsuta’s, a smile keeps tugging at his mouth. He’s still flushed with warmth from the exertion and the praise that rings in his ears. It was painfully evident that he couldn’t compare to the experience of the older players but he held his own, making a few of the wild recieves his team is known for. More than that though, he never felt like they expected more than his best effort and a fun game. Part of him is still glowing under their compliments, especially Bokuto, who has that sort of contagious happiness.

He fumbles at the front door for a moment. As he walks into Matsuta’s room, he sees Matsuta on the bed, face lit up different colors by his phone.

“Hey, you’re still awake,” Terushima says as Matsuta tucks the phone into his pocket.

“Yeah, waited for you.” Terushima’s heart swells and he lets the smile he’d been suppressing sit back on his lips.

“Really?”

“Yep.” Terushima allows Matsuta to tuck him against his side when he sits down. “You look happy. Something happen?”

“Yeah, it was so awesome, actually!” Terushima starts excitedly. “I got to play this great two on two with Akaashi and Kuroo and Bokuto, and-”

“Who are they?” Matsuta interrupts.

“Third years. And Bokuto is one of the top five spikers in the country, isn’t that-”

“How long have you know these guys?”

“I met them here so I don’t know, maybe-”

“So you don’t really know them then.”

“I guess? But-”

“Terushima,” Matsuta turns Terushima to look at him, forcing their eyes to meet. “I don’t think you should hang out with them anymore.”

“W-why?” The blond’s voice falters as the grip on his shoulders tightens.

“Because what could they want from you? You said they’re third years? Why would they talk to you?”

“I- I don’t-”

Matsuta’s voice turns harsh. “And what if they try to touch you? I bet you’d let them, right? A slut like that, right? Maybe you’d even be the one to ask for it.”

“No, _I wouldn’t_.” Terushima hisses. He pulls back but Matsuta’s hand latches onto his wrist, keeping him on the bed. “I wouldn’t do that.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me. You think I can’t hear it in your voice, how much you want them to fuck you like the little slut you are?”

“ _I’m not a slut._ ”

Matsuta’s eyes flash as the blond tries to stand. Terushima yelps as he’s yanked back by his hair. His hands scrabble uselessly against the fist that rips blond strands, tears bubbling in the corners of his eyes.

And from there, things just get worse.

Matsuta fucks him long and hard, until his hips are covered in bruises and all that’s in his head are slurs and dirtiness, words whispered into his collarbones and his throat that make him feel like a filthy whore, a liar, _worthless_.

And he just takes it.

Because part of him believes they’re true.

It’s small, insignificant really, but Terushima’s heart patters when he thinks of Bokuto, his smile and energy and joy. He would have never acted on it, of course, _of course he wouldn’t have_ , but he was committing some sort of betrayal, wasn’t he? Maybe Matsuta could tell, even if the crush was a tiny, fleeting thing. Maybe Terushima just needed to be reminded what was right and what was wrong, because it felt like he forgot every time he saw Bokuto and Kuroo.

Later, much later, Matsuta kisses him soft and sweet and gentle, until Terushima stops shaking. And even though he doesn’t deserve it, Terushima accepts the comfort.

 

The next day, he avoids Kuroo and Bokuto, staying by his teammates’ sides. It’s not odd really; they are his teammates, after all. He has fun, messing around and trading gossip about new people who they’ve met and laughing from in-the-know jokes. The odd part is that Bokuto and Kuroo don’t take their usual seats either. He knows they’re around because he keeps stealing glances to where they stand with a few other captains, so much so that Bobata teasingly mentions it.

Brief looks start to piece together a picture. It’s more obvious from a distance, or perhaps he’s really watching now, but Kuroo and Bokuto cling to each other. Shoulders touching, arms slung around waists, fingers brushing the other’s, whispered secrets and long gazes. As they talk to the Karasuno captain, they hold hands. (Terushima has bruises hidden on his scalp from where Matsuta held too tight.)

He’s staring.

Bokuto laughs at something Kuroo said, looks up, and sees Terushima. He waves, smile still glittering on his face, and Terushima’s heart seizes. He _wants_.

His gaze darts to the dirt at his feet and stays there. His fingers tighten on the water bottle he’s holding. He closes his eyes and focuses on not trembling.

A few minutes later, he sees Kuroo and Bokuto kissing. It’s nothing really, Bokuto had done something and come running elated over to the other boy, and Kuroo had put their lips together, whispering praise into the other’s mouth. It’s compassionate though, kind and soft, and Terushima has bruises from where Matsuta bit him too hard to get him to open his mouth. His heart throbs and it’s not because he’s thinking of Matsuta. (He’s thinking of tender touches, of fingers to cheeks, soothing words and things he shouldn’t want.)

Terushima excuses himself and hides in the bathroom until he believes he loves Matsuta again.

 

He doesn’t want to go back to Matsuta’s. There’s an unnatural nervousness fluttering in his lungs that he can’t abate. On the walk, he stops at a convenience store to pick up some chocolates, just in case. As he checks out, he sees a stuffed owl keychain, huge yellow eyes daring him to…

(Whore, liar, _cheater._ )

He throws it into the pile and pays, tossing it to the bottom of his bag to forget about for now.

Matsuta accepts the chocolates readily and suggests that they watch a movie. He picks something full of horror and gore and jumpscares and it’s the kind of thing that Terushima hates, especially when he’s walking from training camp back here every night in the dark. But he doesn’t say anything.

He stays curled up on one end of the couch until Matsuta motions him over. Obediently, he comes and lets Matsuta keep a hand on the inside of his thigh, stroking circles there every time he flinches away from the screen.

Nightmares haunt his dreams. He doesn’t sleep well that night.

 

Morning sun, white and pure, beats at his back as he stretches before practice starts. Voices, newly familiar, reach his ears. He swallows one more breath as he grabs something small out of his bag. His feet lead him after the couple and his voice says, “Wait up!”

Kuroo and Bokuto turn, imposing in sheer size that dwarfs him, but they look pleasantly surprised to see him.

“I, uh- I have something for you. Bokuto, specifically. Sorry, Kuroo.” Kuroo shrugs, unbothered, and a little weight lifts off Terushima’s shoulders. “Okay, ready?”

“Should I close my eyes?”

“Sure, close your eyes.” Terushima giggles before biting back the sound.

“That was cute.” Bokuto whispers, holding his hands out blindly.

The blond tries to stop the blush from rising in his cheeks but Kuroo quirks a crooked smirk at him. “Shut up. Here.” He places the keychain into awaiting palms.

“Oh, it’s soft!” Bokuto’s eyes fly open, fixating on the plushie. He actually _squeaks_ , an excited, happy sound that makes Terushima’s teeth dig into his lip. “Kuroo, look how cute it is!” The ace holds the keychain to his cheek, snuggling against the material.

“Mmhm.” Kuroo hums contentedly. “Kind of looks like you too. Same eyes. And… color scheme.” The yellow eyes do glow bright on both of them, black and white defining their edges.

“You’re right!” Bokuto snickers. “Thanks, Teru!” Terushima makes a little sound as Bokuto hugs him, blinking in surprise. “Hey, you know what? We should totally get each other's’ numbers, so we can stay in contact once training camp is over! If you’re ever in Tokyo, we could show you around!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! Come on, Teru, give me your phone!” He’s used to being ordered around but somehow, this feels different.

 

Incoming Messages From Bokuto Koutarou

Bokuto Koutarou: Where r u? Come out to lunch!

Bokuto Koutarou: This is your number, right?

Bokuto Koutarou: T

Bokuto Koutarou: E

Bokuto Koutarou: R

Bokuto Koutarou: Sdslfhrof

Bokuto Koutarou: This is Kuroo, I took Bokuto’s phone. You’re still in practice, right?

Terushima Yuuji: Guys, stfu, you’ve had my number for one day

Terushima Yuuji: I’m literally coming out right now

 

“Hey, undercut.” He starts as Kuroo plops down next to him, actually ruffling under his hair. Terushima suppresses a shudder from his sensitive scalp but doesn’t wholly succeed. “Not ditching us for your team again?”

“Well, I am the captain, you know.” He gives a shaky smile. “Besides, if I did, I’m sure my phone would be swamped by your moping texts.”

“Hey, I want to touch too!” Bokuto reaches over and Terushima bats their hands away, protests rising from his lips.

Bokuto pouts until Kuroo whispers something in his ear. A grin splits his face. They both fix their eyes on Terushima.

“What are you-”

“Terushima,” Bokuto interrupts. “Are you ticklish?”

“Oh no,” The blond’s gaze darts between the two of them. “Nope, not at all-”

“Liar!”

He tries to get up but the older boys are too fast. A shriek leaves him as they attack his sides, making him lose his balance and slide down the stairs as he heaves laughter uncontrollably.

“What the hell?” Kuroo murmurs.

They stop and Terushima sits there catching his breath, eyes to the sky, before he realizes something is wrong. He props up on his elbows, chest still hurting a bit from laughing. “What? What is it?”

“You’ve got… You know,” Bokuto waves his hands around unhelpfully, hesitating. It sets the younger boy on edge, to see the ace unsure.

“There are bruises all fucking over you.” Kuroo growls.

“I guess?” Terushima blinks, confused, eyebrows coming together. “They’re just on my hips, man. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big fucking deal! You said you didn’t like that kind of stuff!”

“Kuroo, calm-”

“What am I supposed to-”

“Just tell your fucking boyfriend not to be so fucking rough!” He snarls.

“How!? _”_ Terushima screams back.

“ _How?_ _Oh my god._ ” The black haired boy laughs loud and bitter and terrible. “I can't do this. I can't do this.”

And then he's gone and Terushima is staring at his retreating figure.

“I- _Shit_ , oh man. I'll go talk to him. We'll, um- We'll catch you later, Terushima.” Bokuto rushes off after Kuroo and just like that, things start falling apart again.

 

Outgoing Message to Bokuto Koutarou

Terushima Yuuji: Is he still angry?

Bokuto Koutarou: I don’t think he’s angry but just stay away for a bit, okay?

Terushima Yuuji: Tell him I’m sorry

 

_“He says he’s sorry, Tetsurou.”_

_“I don’t want him to be fucking sorry. I want him to… I don’t even know!”_

_“You’re not really angry, are you?”_

_“Yes. No. I don’t know. I’m angry that he can’t see what’s happening! Why doesn’t he leave?”_

_“I’m sure it’s not that easy. I mean, love is love.”_

_“Does it feel like love to you?”_

_“From Terushima it does. And we’ve never met his boyfriend, so we really don’t know-”_

_“That’s not what love should look like.”_

_“Tetsurou, I’ve given you bruises like that before. They’re really not that unusual. And neither is sex hurting sometimes. It’s like, a heat of the moment thing.”_

_“Yeah, but that was consensual. We trust each other.”_

_“It’s his boyfriend, so I’m sure-”_

_“He said that he couldn’t use safe words, Koutarou.”_

_“I think you’re blowing things out of proportion. Look, Tetsu, I don’t want you to push him away, okay? You’re going to make him uncomfortable, and then he’s gonna get nervous, and then he’s not gonna want to talk to us anymore. I mean, you’re basically insulting his boyfriend, how could he not take offense to that? He never said he was hit or anything like that, so just… Let it go, okay? Please?”_

_“...Are we going to regret this?”_

_“If something actually happens, we’ll step in. Promise.”_

 

 _Idiot, idiot, idiot._ It’s his fault, he shouldn’t have gone near them again, Matsuta _told him_ to stay away but no, he had to stir up drama, like a child who constantly needs attention.

Confusion eats away at him. He doesn’t understand why Kuroo was so angry at him. No matter how many times he replays the scene, it all feels fine and then Kuroo is gone. What did he say, what did he do, to make things so awful so quickly that Kuroo couldn’t stand to be near him? And more than that, why does it hurt so much? Whatever safety net he was building, it’s gone, and he feels alone and abandoned and outcast.

He should have known. He should have known.

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

He’ll keep quiet about it, Matsuta will never have to know, and he can go back to a casual acquaintance with Bokuto and Kuroo and drift away like another forgettable underclassman. He’s the only one making this hard. And he has to stop.

_I’m okay._

A deep, shuddering breath works its way into Terushima’s lungs. His toes curl on the floor as he squeezes tighter into himself, arms clenched around his legs, knees scrunched up to his chest. His cheeks are wet with tears and he can taste the saltwater on his lips. He doesn’t trust himself to stand.

_I’m okay, I’m okay._

_I’m okay._

 

Terushima stays with his team. So do Kuroo and Bokuto. (That’s a lie, they sit on the steps but Terushima doesn’t let himself know that.) In the last two days of practice, they exchange all of three conversations. (Short, forced and careful.) Matsuta fucks him. Training camp ends. Everyone goes back home. Texts between the three of them become sparser and sparser. A month passes.

(Sometimes, Terushima dreams of wide eyes, gold and yellow, watching him. It feels like they’re looking out for him but when he turns to meet their gazes, they disappear. They were never there.)

There’s new anxiousness about Terushima now. He gets nervous when he meets new people, or when he gets too attached to people, or with anyone when Matsuta isn’t there. He doesn’t trust himself not to get lost, like he’s done before, and when that happens, Matsuta gets _so angry_. Scary angry. Terushima falls in love too easily and Matsuta knows that. Terushima blames himself for all the bad things that have happened since Bokuto.

He’s more careful now. He knows not to act too close to anyone when Matsuta’s around. He doesn’t text as much, so Matsuta doesn’t think he’s becoming too involved with someone else. He tries to think about what he says before he says it. He gets quieter when he’s around Matsuta.


	2. Take

Outgoing Message to Bokuto Koutarou and Kuroo Tetsurou

Terushima Yuuji: I’m going to be in Tokyo, want to meet up somewhere?

Bokuto Koutarou: YOU’RE IN TOKYO??

Terushima Yuuji: Not rn, next week, Saturday-Tuesday

Kuroo Tetsurou: We’re free, when are you thinking?

Terushima Yuuji: Most of Saturday is a train ride for me. Wanna get lunch Sunday?

Bokuto Koutarou: We can show you all the cool parts of the city!

Bokuto Koutarou: I’M PSYCHED!!

Kuroo Tetsurou: I’ll send you some links to some places to eat later

Terushima Yuuji: K, thxs

Terushima Yuuji: I’m excited too :)

 

Outgoing Message to Bokuto Koutarou and Kuroo Tetsurou

Terushima Yuuji: Is it cool if my boyfriend comes?

Bokuto Koutarou: Sure!

Kuroo Tetsurou: What was your boyfriend’s name again?

Terushima Yuuji: Matsuta

Kuroo Tetsurou: Is he good with where we chose to eat? I already made a reservation.

Terushima Yuuji: Call me

 

“Kuroo?”

“Yeah, why’d you need me to call? What’s up?”

“I just didn’t want to do it over text. But I wanted to apologize about the last minute change. Matsuta is good with whatever but if it costs extra to change the number of people for the reservation, I can pay the difference.”

“It’s fine. Why’d he suddenly decide he wanted to come?”

“He just saw me texting you guys and you know, read my messages and stuff, and thought it’d be best if he came. Didn’t want me to go alone or whatever.”

“He’s going to come all the way to Tokyo to keep an eye on you?”

“Well, we were both coming up anyway. He has a house on the city outskirts, so that’s where we’re staying. He was gonna work Sunday but he decided he wanted to come, so that’s what we’re doing, I guess.”

“That’s…”

“That’s what?”

“Nothing. See you Sunday.”

 

Sunday comes. They meet at a cat cafe, which absolutely entrances Terushima. He tries to keep the gushing down to a minimum while Matsuta frowns in distaste. Terushima doesn’t mention that Matsuta could have helped pick a spot to have lunch if he had originally wanted to be apart of the plans.

Kuroo seems to know all the cats by name and Bokuto knows which toys attract which cats. When they sit down to eat, Kuroo lures over a black cat to sit in Terushima’s lap. He asks if Matsuta wants one too but unsurprisingly, he’s refused. Terushima can’t keep the grin off his face when the cat starts to purr and Bokuto teases him about it.

For a few hours, they walk around the city. They stop in shops and visit some tourist destinations that Kuroo and Bokuto claim aren’t that great but that Terushima insists on seeing. As the day wanes into darkness, they trudge along the streets still, lost in the city glow.

“Movie?” Kuroo suggests, glancing at the darkened sky. “Other things are probably closing soon.”

“Yeah! There’s a new horror movie out and it looks super scary! Are you guys in?” Bokuto glows. Terushima dims. But he doesn’t say anything. He never says anything.

He nods just as Matsuta says, “It’s getting late. I think we should go.”

“Alright, sure.” Kuroo intones. Terushima jumps as Kuroo cocks an eyebrow at him. “What about you, Terushima?”

“I- What about me?” Terushima’s eyes dart between the three of them.

“You nodded. Do you want to come?”

His voice lodges in his throat. He looks to Matsuta but it’s dark enough now that he can’t quite make out an expression.

“You can go if you want, Terushima.” The words sound mocking, but maybe that’s just in his head.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” The blond whispers, timid and uncertain. His piercing clacks against his teeth.

“Sure. I’m not your mom.” His hands curl in his pockets as Matsuta’s voice takes on an unkind tone.

“Matsuta-”

“Whatever, Terushima. I’ll see you later.”

There’s a palpable silence after Matsuta leaves. Bokuto breaks first.

“So… Still up for the movies?”

“Yeah.” Pause. Kuroo keeps gold eyes on him. Firmer, “Yeah.” As they walk to the theater, Terushima initiates, “So have you guys been up to anything since training camp?”

“The usual. Practice matches, school work, nothing too interesting. Bokuto’s been working on his crosses, though.”

“No way, really? How’s that going?”

“Well, I’m pretty great, so-”

“You are so full of yourself, Bo!” Kuroo exclaims, inciting an indignant expression from Bokuto.

“Hey, you brought it up!”

“You’re right, my mistake. Come on, you’re gonna make Terushima feel bad. What about you, undercut?”

“I’m sure much less interesting things than you guys. But I did get some new ear piercings.”

“Doesn’t that hurt? You’re literally poking holes in your body!” Bokuto protests, leaning on Kuroo’s shoulder.

“Bro, girls do it all the time! Like, nine year olds.”

“Bro,” Bokuto stops and fixes Terushima with a serious expression. “Girls are hardcore.”

Kuroo nods along gravely in agreement and adds, “Definitely more hardcore than you, Bokuto.” The three of them burst into laughter.

Terushima tries to explain the difference between getting a tongue piercing and an ear piercing while they stand on line for tickets, until Bokuto offhandedly mentions, “So what do you want to see, Teru?”

“What, me?” He gestures unnecessarily to his own chest. “I thought we were going to the horror thing.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter to me and Kuroo. You’re like, our guest. Do _you_ want to see the horror movie?”

“Not really. I don’t really like horror.” He hunches his shoulders a bit.

Kuroo blinks, pupils slitted. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I didn’t want to be…. obnoxious. Me and Matsuta watch horror all the time anyway.”

“Your opinion still matters.”

“Yeah, Teru, we want to know what you think.” Bokuto backs up Kuroo. “You get a choice too. So you decide what we see.”

“What about that new superhero movie? Is that alright?” _Geeky_ , he hears no one say.

“Yeah, let’s do it!”

And they do. And it’s so easy.

He doesn’t have to worry about accidentally touching someone and implying something he doesn’t mean, or sounding like a nerd when he whispers about foreshadowing in a previous movie, or being scared of walking home alone after watching teenagers get murdered on a screen. He talks and laughs and it’s effortless. He misses that. Relationships aren’t this painless.

 

He yawns, rubbing aching eyes, as they near his bus stop.

“Aww, tired?” Bokuto grins. Terushima gives a hazy smile back.

“Yeah.”

“You doing anything tomorrow? We’re still off.” Kuroo asks.

“I dunno. I think Matsuta might have plans.” His words trail off as his eyes flutter.

“Sure you’re gonna make it home?” Terushima brushes off the concern in Bokuto’s voice.

“You could always crash at our place, just for tonight.”

He shakes his head, dismissing Kuroo’s offer as the bus pulls up. “Nah. I don’t want Matsuta to get mad. I had fun, though. We should do this again.”

“Yeah, man. Totally.” Bokuto pulls him in for a hug, before stepping aside for Kuroo’s fist bump.

Terushima waves as the bus pulls away from the two other boys perched on the curb.

He crashes into sleep as soon he falls into Matsuta’s bed.

 

Terushima is on his phone at the table, breakfast already made and eaten, when Matsuta comes out of the bathroom.

“Morning.” There’s the click of his phone going off. Matsuta doesn’t respond for a long moment.

“How was the rest of your night with Kuroo and Bokuto?” Terushima tries to read his face but it’s blank.

“It was nice. They let me choose. We saw that superhero movie, you know the one?”

“They didn’t think that was geeky?” Matsuta scoffs. Something in Terushima’s chest twinges, tightens.

“N-no. They didn’t say anything.”

“I’m sure they didn’t. They’re just so great, right?”

“I mean, they’re nice.” Terushima tries to negate the sarcasm he can hear tainting Matsuta’s tone. “They even offered to let me stay at their place last night, since the movie ended so late.”

 _“What?”_ Matsuta growls.

Terushima blinks, brown eyes wide. “What? Matsuta!” He calls as Matsuta leaves, stalking off towards the bedroom.

He hesitates, hesitates, but follows. Matsuta is on the bed. Terushima carefully sits next to him. (Something feels off.)

“Matsuta?”

He gasps when Matsuta kisses him. It’s rough, teeth and bruises and tugs on his piercing. A whine of helplessness comes out of him when Matsuta pulls on his hair, fingers twisted in the bleach blond. He lets himself be pushed to the bed, breath stolen from his lungs.

“Put your hands above your head, baby.” Matsuta whispers into his ear.

Terushima complies, fingers brushing the headboard. Matsuta kisses him again, deep and demanding.

Something metal clicks around his wrists.

It’s like an unbearable weight is dropped on his chest, cracking his ribs, crushing his heart. He jerks at the handcuffs but they’re unforgiving and unmoving. Matsuta’s still kissing him, hands tugging at his clothes, and _he’s suffocating, he can’t breathe, oh god oh god oh god-_

“RED!” The word, the single word, the _safe_ word, rips through him like an arrow. It leaves him shaking, shaking, _shaking_. Every part of him shakes.

Matsuta pauses. He pulls back to meet Terushima’s eyes. And Terushima’s heart drops to his stomach. Matsuta looks annoyed, angry, saying, “Are you serious, Terushima? Don’t fucking lie because you feel like being a brat!” Air races from his lungs, too fast, there’s nothing for him to breathe, staring with eyes too wide because, “I don’t think you mean it.”

_I don’t think you mean it._

Matsuta keeps going.

Terushima tries not to let anything else out after that. He bites his lip until it bleeds, squeezes his eyes shut when they feel hot with tears, tries to hold his body still, but his wrists keep wrenching at the cuffs instinctively until his skin tears and stings, like the metal wants to corrode his bones.

Matsuta works off his pants and boxers. Terushima cringes as hands trace up his sides, pinching at his nipples. He tries to feel aroused, eager, anything that Matsuta wants, but he’s too scared and the cuffs hurt, they hurt every part of him. Fingers scrape inside him, hitting nerves, but Terushima can’t bring himself to react. Vision blurry, chest tight, his body can’t do it.

He tries to stay silent but he can’t help the sob that breaks through when Matsuta pushes in. He tries to swallow it back but it’s too late. Matsuta stills, looking at the tears trailing down Terushima’s face, expression disgusted. “ _Pathetic._ ” He snarls as he starts fucking into Terushima. “I bet you would have liked it if Bokuto fucked you like this, right, whore? Would have let both of them take you home, huh?”

“T-That’s n-not true!”  His wrists heave at the cuffs and he’s crying, weak and watery, because everything hurts and he wants it to end, let it end, let it end, _let it end-_

“Shut up, just shut up!” Words drown in his throat as Matsuta clamps a hand over his mouth. “Do you want me to gag you too?”

Terushima frantically shakes his head. The only sounds he lets out when the hand slips away are whines and tiny, quiet cries.

He feels Matsuta’s tempo speed up and a vicious kiss sucks on his lips, commanding and pervasive. Matsuta groans into him and comes in a last surge of force. Terushima whimpers as the older pulls out, a terrible feeling of being battered and sore marking his body.

Matsuta looms over him a few seconds later, a hand placed firmly on the blond’s hip. “Part of me wonders if I should just leave you here....”

Terushima’s chest seizes in terror, compressing his heart and lungs and everything that needs to function for him to live.

Another hand curls around his scalp, brushing the side of his neck. “But you’ve learned your lesson, right, Terushima?”

He can’t comprehend anything, his mind so wrought in chaos, but he nods anyway, anything to get these chains off.

Matsuta’s fingers trail up his forearms, carressing around his wrists and the inflamed skin. For a moment, Terushima thinks he won’t do it. But then he reaches into the bedside drawer, toying with a key before clicking it into the handcuffs and unclasping them from the younger boy.

Terushima yanks his hands to his chest, scrambling to a sitting position and curling his knees up protectively. His hands tremble even as he clutches them tight. He doesn’t wipe away the saltwater covering his face.

“Come on, Terushima.” Matsuta touches his knee and the blond flinches, head ducking down. There’s a testy sigh. “Go shower. You’re fine. I don’t want you getting the bed dirty.”

Slowly, in a daze, Terushima gets to his feet, grabs clothes, and stumbles to the bathroom. The water sears his skin until it’s all as red as his wrists. When he dresses, he finds himself having to put a hand on the wall to keep from falling, a kind of dizzy vertigo that won’t leave him. He opens the door and takes one step back in the direction of the bedroom.

And stops.

And turns around.

And snatches his phone and jacket.

And walks out the front door.

 

On the bus ride, he reconsiders and reconsiders and reconsiders. ( _You’re okay, you’re always okay, you’re being selfish, this wasn’t even a big deal, you’re just scared and weak, he didn’t hurt you, he didn’t really hurt you._ ) But his feet take him away. And it doesn’t seem to matter as much when he’s still trying to stop crying. When he still can’t breathe.

He knocks on Kuroo’s door. There’s a commotion from the other side, the click of a lock, and Kuroo opens it, finishing something directed at Bokuto when he turns to see Terushima. He freezes.

( _He doesn’t want you here, why did you come, who do you think you are, you annoy him, he doesn’t want to deal with you, you’re just pathetic._ )

Apologies wait to spill over his lips, but when he opens his mouth, the older boy jolts to action.

“Oh my god, _oh my god_ , Terushima! What happened? Are you- Come in, come in-” Kuroo ushers him in, calling over his shoulders panickedly, “Bokuto. Bokuto!” He turns back to the blond, worried and frantic.

It hits Terushima, belatedly, how horrible he must look. His hair is in disarray from his own fingers, he doesn’t even know what clothes he put on under his school jacket, and he’s still crying. Every time he thinks the tears are about to calm down, another sob will lodge in his throat. (At least his wrists are hidden under yellow sleeves. He doesn’t want to look at them.)

Bokuto rounds the corner, skidding and scrambling. His eyes meet Terushima’s. “What- Terushima- Are you okay?”

“I-” _I’m okay._ He goes to say it, like he has all those times before. “I’m-”

But he can't. He chokes instead and all of a sudden, he's full on sobbing. Dissolving. Drowning.

“Oh, Teru,” Bokuto wraps him in a hug and Terushima trembles against the older boy's chest. A long minute passes with Bokuto holding him protectively close.

Kuroo finally gently whispers, “Terushima, do you want to move to the couch? Is that okay?”

Terushima sucks in a breath, pulling away from Bokuto and nodding shakily. He lets himself be led to the living room. Bokuto sits on one side of him, close enough that their knees touch, and Kuroo sits at his back. Their warmth seeps into his skin and his breaths begin to even, lungs filling with silence.

Softly, Kuroo says, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Bokuto takes his hands, running his thumbs over the blond's knuckles. “You don't have do anything you don't want to.”

“I-It’s stupid.”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

He shakes his head, insecurity suddenly blocking his words. “C-Can I just stay here?”

“Of course. Whenever you want to talk, we’re here for you. You’re safe here.” Kuroo’s hand starts rubbing soothing circles on Terushima’s shoulder blades. “Is this okay?”

“Y-Yeah.”

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that. He just closes his eyes and lets time pass. _You’re safe here._ Safe.

At some point, he must drift off.

 

“What the hell happened to him?”

“I don’t know, Tetsurou, _I don’t know_.” Bokuto hisses back and Terushima rouses. The voices come from a few feet away, hushed but growing in volume.

“We shouldn’t have left him. We _knew_ he shouldn’t have gone back but we let him go anyway.”

“He was fine yesterday-”

“He has never been fine, Koutarou! We’ve just been pretending he was. That is not the same thing. We should've-” There’s a watery gasp. “ _Dammit._ ”

Through slitted eyes, Terushima sees the standing blurry outlines of Bokuto and Kuroo. Their hands grip one another’s, like that’s all they can do for support.

“We have to just try and help him now. That’s all we can do.” Bokuto attempts.

“We should have helped him a long time ago.”

“You think I don’t know that?” He gets louder before immediately backing down, shrinking into Kuroo. “Sorry. I just… You knew, at training camp, _you knew_ something was wrong and I thought… We could have helped him so much sooner. I know.”

“It’s not your fault.” Kuroo whispers.

“Maybe not all of it.”

“We didn’t do this to him.”

“I know but-” Terushima flinches as Bokuto sobs. Guilt pools in the pit of his stomach. Kuroo clutches the other boy and they hold each other close for a long time.

“I know, Kou. I know.” The darker haired boy takes a deep breath. “But he came to us for help. We have to… do something.”

Bokuto seems to collect himself. “Okay. But we still don’t really know what happened.”

“We’re going to have to ask him.”

“You think he’s going to tell us?”

“I don’t know. He has to feel safe here, if he came here on his own. Or at least around one if us. He might feel safer with you. I think I scare him, sometimes.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. I mean, Kou… I think he has a crush on you. Or had.” _Shit._ Terushima can’t help the way he tenses, muscles tightening, heart rate skyrocketing.

“What!?” This going to be it. How could they not kick him out after this?

Kuroo shushes Bokuto violently, looking at Terushima. “Quiet, you’re going to wake him up!”

He doesn’t have anywhere else to go except back to Matsuta. The thought makes his hands start to shake. Fear floods into his bloodstream, virile and visceral.

Kuroo and Bokuto both jump when Terushima raises his head. His throat tightens but he chokes out, “ _Please don’t make me leave._ ”

(It’s so selfish but he’s so scared, scared of being locked and chained again, _oh please_ -)

“Oh no, no,” Kuroo rushes over, stalling right before he touches Terushima. Delicately, he brushes a hand over the younger’s cheek. Bokuto trails slowly behind him. “We’re not going to make you leave. You can stay here as long as you want to.”

Terushima’s gaze searches out Bokuto’s, seeking the same approval. And he sees him hesitate. _He’s disgusted. He doesn’t want you here. Neither of them want you here._

He blinks as tears form in the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry. _I’m so sorry._ I’ll leave, I’ll-” He swipes at his eyes, shuddering in a breath.

He freezes as Bokuto takes a step closer, expression shifting. “What’s that on your wrist?”

“W-What?” He glances down and has to look away. His flesh is a vicious mess of bruises and torn skin, a bracelet woven with purple and red and blue and black. It fits smoothly around his wrist like a cuff.

He tries to tuck it back into his sleeve but Kuroo’s hand darts out, pulling his arm into better light. “What happened?” He asks tersely.

“Nothing.” Terushima mutters, tugging against the older boy’s brutal grip.

“No, not nothing! No more lies. What happened, Terushima?” Kuroo’s voice escalates.

The blond finds himself shouting back, _“Nothing happened!”_

Kuroo drags him forward and Terushima stubbles, crying out. The darker haired boy grabs his other wrist, forcing them both out in the open. The angry scowl on his face deepens. “Did someone tie you up?” Terushima shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He flinches as Kuroo yells, “Tell us what happened, Terushima!”

“Stop shouting at me!” He cries. Kuroo seems to snap out of his anger as he sees the tears begin to run down Terushima’s cheeks.

He lets go of the blond’s wrists, taking a shaky step away. He sits down heavily on the couch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t… But Terushima,” He looks up and meets the younger’s eyes beseechingly. “We have to know what happened. We want to help you.”

Terushima’s gaze skirts away but Bokuto fixes him with the same look, yellow eyes pleading and sorrowful. “ _Please, Terushima._ Tell us what happened.”

“I-” His heart pounds. It feels like there’s a vise compressing his chest. “I-” He collapses into the cushions, hiding his face in his hands. But the truth begins to spill between his fingers. “Matsuta- He asked about yesterday and he- he was angry. And he went into the bedroom and I followed him and-” Terushima’s words tremble, slowly deteriorating. “I t-thought he just wanted to have sex but he- _Fuck_ -” He inhales, closing his eyes. “He handcuffed me to the bed and I used our safeword but he didn’t listen. He said he thought I didn’t mean it. And w-when he was done, he said he was going to leave me t-there-” His voice cracks.

He glimpses their faces, shrouded with his hands and tears. Bokuto looks stricken, his face pale. Kuroo radiates fury, shaking with it. His hands are clenched on the couch, his teeth gritted.

“The fucking bastard…” He growls.

“Don’t say that about him. He’s my boyfriend.” Terushima murmurs, fingers digging into his skin.

“What?” Kuroo glares at him, appalled. “He’s abusive. You understand that, right?”

“I-” The blond mumbles into his palms. “He’s never hit me.”

And Bokuto whispers, “He doesn’t have to.”

Terushima breaks down and doesn’t say anything else.

 

There’s a heavy silence that hangs in the air for hours on end. Bokuto and Kuroo come and go intermittently, trading off on a sentry guard on the youngest. Bokuto prepares a meal but Terushima doesn’t manage more than a few lackluster bites. The older two keep sharing concerned glances, shifting eyes and anxious tilts of the mouth that aren’t lost on Terushima.

At some point, he becomes aware of his phone vibrating. He doesn’t pull it out but every time he hears the telltale buzz, he curls a little farther into himself. It’s a matter of courage, to read the messages and calls that are coming through, and he works up to it, works up to it, and finally manages to excuse himself from the table. He fumbles with the phone but it doesn’t matter; it lights up by itself.

They’re all from Matsuta. Every text, every voicemail, the call ringing right now. His finger hovers over the answer button. (It’s his _boyfriend_ , he should answer, he should pick up, maybe then they’ll be able to work it out, maybe he can try and fix things.)

“You shouldn’t answer that.” Kuroo intones over the blond’s shoulder. Terushima looks up with blank, electronic eyes.

The call disconnects.

Kuroo walks away, cleaning up the dishes, murmuring to Bokuto, and Terushima scrolls through Matsuta’s messages.

A few of them mention Kuroo and Bokuto.

He swallows and starts looking for his jacket. He’s tugging on shoes when Bokuto peeks out from the kitchen, glancing around until his gaze alights on the younger. There’s a flash of relief, then confusion, then distress.

“W-Wait, where are-”

“I should go.” Terushima takes a step towards the door and Bokuto leaps forward, hand latching onto his elbow.

“No, wait-”

The blond wrenches back, hissing, “Don’t touch me.” (He can’t handle that right now, Bokuto and all his everything, he has to go back to Matsuta, Matsuta who already thinks he’s cheating so he can’t let these things happen anymore, he has to fix this, he has to fix himself.)

Immediately, Bokuto releases him, hands raised almost in surrender. Kuroo looks on from the doorway. Terushima crosses his arms, forearms pressing into his stomach, fingers wound tight into his own skin.

“Teru, why-” Bokuto starts

“Don’t call me that.” _Matsuta wouldn’t like that._ “You- you shouldn’t call me that.”

Those gold eyes blink, hurt and stunned. “Okay. I won’t, if that’s what you want. But if this is about your…  crush,” Terushima fixes his eyes on the ground, shaking his head. His piercing digs into the inside of his cheek as Bokuto continues, “It’s not a big deal. You just… surprised me before. It doesn’t mean you have to leave. I- I think you should stay. It’s getting dark. You can just stay the night.”

“No, I- I-” His phone vibrates in his pocket. He sees Kuroo’s gaze drift there. “I can’t. I just… can’t. I have a boyfriend. _You_ have a boyfriend. You should be angry with me.” He doesn’t say it but he thinks, _you, most of all, should know I deserved it_. “You shouldn’t want me here.”

“Why? You’re our friend and you’re clearly hurting. I think the wrong thing to do would be to let you go.”

“You don’t get it.” Terushima whispers but his words sound unsure.

“No, I don’t think _you_ get it. You can’t go back to him, Terushima!”

“Then where am I going to go?” Terushima asks desperately. “He has everything I left there, he knows where I live, where I go to school; how can I get away from that?”

“We’re not going to let him hurt you.” Kuroo steps forward.

“You live in Tokyo.” Is the first thing from Terushima’s mouth but he amends, “And it doesn’t matter anyway. He- he’s not going to hurt me. It was my fault and I just have to try and make things up to Matsuta. That’s it. Then things can go back to the way they were before.”

“I don’t understand.” Kuroo’s eyebrows crease together irately. “How is any of this your fault?”

“We just talked about it. You know.” His feets shuffle, his hands fidget. “It was my fault for looking at anyone other than Matsuta, for hanging out with you guys, for even coming here. It’s supposed to be just him.”

“That’s not what a relationship is supposed to be like. There’s respect, trust!”

“You keep each other safe.” Bokuto adds. “You want each other to be happy.”

“I don’t think it’s the same.” Terushima’s voice lowers, smaller and smaller. “I don’t think either of you are selfish like I am.”

“I hate it when you say things like that!” Kuroo bursts out, anger overflowing everywhere. It scares Terushima, how angry Kuroo always is, it must be his fault, his fault, _his fault-_

“Sorry, I’m sorry-” He starts apologising but Kuroo rages on.

“He puts that stuff in your head, doesn’t he?! He tells you that kind of stuff until you believe it, right?! _Motherfucker-_ ” Fists clenching, Kuroo heaves in a breath. “I don’t think I’ve ever hated someone as much as I hate him.”

Terushima gapes, shock squeezing his chest. He so used to anger being directed at him, and all this time, a nagging voice has whispered that Kuroo was angry _at him_ . Could it be another way? _No-_ “No, Matsuta wouldn’t lie like that; it must be me-”

“How can you think that?” Kuroo snarls, baring his canines. “Why can’t you see what he’s doing? He’s _using_ you. He keeps you close to him, and when you even stray a little away, he yanks you back. He doesn’t let you near anyone, and no, that’s not just a normal part of being in a relationship. He doesn’t listen to you, he doesn’t respect you, does he even care about you?”

The blond shrinks. “Don’t-”

“He’s hurt you, Terushima. So many times, _he’s hurt you._ ” And now it sounds like pleading. It cracks something in Terushima’s heart.

“ _I just don’t know what to do._ ”

Bokuto whispers, “Realize how much you’re worth. You’re worth so much, Teru. So much more than how he treats you.”

Silence extends between the three of them, brittle and fragile.

“I need to get out, don’t I?”

Bokuto nods and Terushima closes his eyes.

 

Terushima stands at Matsuta’s door, Bokuto and Kuroo close behind. With every inhale, he feels Bokuto’s hand steady against his back. Shaky exhale, firm inhale, hand on the keys, hand turning the doorknob.

The house is quiet. He pads in, stalling as he rounds the first corner. Glass shards scatter from kitchen to hallway, tiny and dangerous. Sidestepping carefully, he continues to Matsuta’s room. Kuroo mutters a curse under his breath and Terushima lets it blow right past his eardrums.

He shoves his things into a duffle bag, shirts and shorts and his wallet. He grabs his toothbrush from the bathroom and throws the key onto the table.

 

“Should I text him, do you think?” Terushima asks, tapping his phone on the inside of his thigh.

Kuroo glances at him from the rearview mirror, hands solid on the steering wheel as they drive back to Miyagi. “Why?”

“To… break up with him, I guess. I just kind of left. I know that breaking up over text isn’t cool but… I don’t know.”

“You’re gonna break up with him? For real?” Bokuto says hopefully as he twists in the shotgun seat.

Terushima hesitates, thumbing over the warmth of his screen. “Should I?”

“Yes.” Kuroo answers firmly. “A thousand times, yes.”

The second year opens his messages to Matsuta. The cursor awaits instructions, blinking, blinking. There are a million words in Terushima’s head, but in the end, there’s only one thing he has to say.

 

Outgoing Message to Matsuta

Terushima: We’re done.

 

“Do you think he’s going to respond?” Terushima’s fingers rap a beat on his knees.

“Doesn’t matter. You’re done with him.”

“And that’s it?” affirms Terushima.

“And that’s it."

 

To call it hope, to call it freedom, to call it relief; to call it loss, to call it sadness, to call it regret: that would be too easy. What it is is change.

 

A week passes like a gust of wind, powerful and invisible, anonymous and swift. Terushima just… continues. Quietly, he goes about life, school and homework, friends and volleyball. Part of him feels like nothing has changed, until he thinks about how the strain on his heart has suddenly dwindled, disappeared.

While walking to practice, along concrete sidewalk that pounds on the soles of his feet, Bobata pulls him over to the side. His hand is hot and insistent on Terushima’s elbow, and his dark eyes scan up and down. A frown tugs at the corners of his face, a scrunch of confusion.

“Did something… happen?” Bobata asks softly, grip slackening on Terushima.

Terushima blows air into his cheek before misdirecting, “Why do you ask?”

“You just seem,” The other boy cocks his head as he pauses. “Different. Less… stressed? Worried?”

“Really?” Terushima’s eyes crinkle.

“I mean, yeah. For a while, you were really different, you know? Since training camp, maybe?”

“I… Was I?”

“Before that, even.” Bobata must see something in Terushima’s expression change, perhaps to distress, because he jumps to reassurances. “But you seem better now! Happier! I’m really glad; I was worried for a while.”

Terushima lets that weigh heavy on him for a long pause before he finally voices. “Yeah, I, um… I broke up with Matsuta.”

“No way. _No way!_ ” The elation in Bobata’s voice makes the blond blink and glance over in shock. “Oh, sorry, sorry. Are you upset about it?”

“ ‘S fine.” Terushima’s teeth dig into his lip. He looks at the sky. “ And I… I don’t know.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be, dude. He was _such_ a jerk.”

“Really?” Slips out quietly before Terushima can think about it.

“Oh man, yeah. I don’t mean to rag on your ex but he was something else. He was always on you about something _,_ and you stopped talking to us or hanging out with us, hell, you barely even made it to practice. And he was constantly lighting up your phone! You were just with him all the frickin’ time. And he would give us the dirtiest looks when we were around, no joke.”

 _Oh god._ Terushima starts to cringe in on himself, shrinking as he stares at the ground. _Everyone knew._ How is it everyone knew but him? How blind could he have been, not to see what Matsuta was doing to him? _How stupid-_

“You know, though,” Bobata continues. “I think we blamed ourselves, a little bit. At least I did.”

“What?” Terushima breathes.

Bobata fidgets, hand scratching the back of his neck, gaze fixed on the sky. “Well, we kind of… abandoned you, didn’t we? It was before training camp, even. You… You had _said_ something didn’t feel right. _You told us_. And a few of us brought it up when Matsuta was around, and he seemed chill, so we thought, _hey, it’s fine, it’s taken care of_. And you came in the next day and told us to drop it, that everything was cool, and like _idiots_ , we believed you. You think we didn’t see those things happen to you? The way things started to go downhill? _You think we didn’t notice?_ We did. We did, and that’s what makes it so much worse, because we just _left you_ … alone. _I…_ I left you alone.”

Bobata’s voice cracks as his face twists, screwing up against all the emotions pushing to the surface. “Dammit, Terushima, I’m sorry. I’m _so, so sorry._ ”

“No, I- I let him do all those things to me. I should’ve-”

“No, no, it shouldn’t have had to be you. It should have been us. _Your friends._ How could you have seen it the way we did? You loved him. And you thought he loved you too.”

Everything in Terushima feels like it stops working, gears grinding and rusting to a complete stop, before he crumbles and crashes all over again. Something warm runs down his cheek and Bobata sucks in a desperate, _oh_ , before clutching the other boy to his chest as Terushima sobs out, “ _I really did._ ”

 

That’s not really the end, of course. There are scary moments.

One time, Matsuta comes to the gym and bangs on the door, pounding on it until a teacher has to go outside and demand he leave. Terushima hears them yell through the windows as his team stands protectively around him.

One time, he comes to Terushima’s house.

Terushima is going to open the door when he sees the corner of a familiar bag just catching in the window pane’s view. He freezes, hand already reaching for the doorknob.

Seconds away. He had been seconds away from opening the door with Matsuta on the other side.

Slowly, silently, he backs away, locks the back door, and hides in his closet. (He wishes for headphones so he couldn’t hear the doorknobs rattling, first the front, then the back.)

It’s not same as it’s always been, though. This time, he’s reminded that this isn’t okay, it isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. This is not what he deserves. (That last one he’s still working on, but the phrase will drift through his mind sometimes.)

So there’s that.

There’s also…

Something else.

 

Months had passed since Matsuta’s last visit. After all this time, there’s still dredges of his presence in Terushima’s system. Matsuta’s voice has become a distant one in the back of his head, quieter, but lurking there, whispering snide comments and vicious lies/truths sometimes. Terushima still feels the nerves burgeoning in his chest when he feels like he’s done something wrong, fear that consequences will follow swiftly and without remorse. It’s beginning to abate, though. All of it’s beginning to fade.

Well. Almost all of it.

Kuroo and Bokuto have stood by him through everything. That’s probably why whatever he was feeling for Bokuto hasn’t faded. It only gets stronger and heartbreakingly stronger.

And somewhere along the way, something else starts growing in his chest, something that remembers that Kuroo has been looking out for him since the beginning, trying so hard to protect him, so righteous and true and dependable. So angry when Terushima had been hurt and been hurt and been hurt.

Now he’s still hurting. In a different way, but… Being with them all the time is starting to _ache_.

Being with both of them.

And it’s infuriating because he understands now, the kind of lows he used to have. The kind of self hate that used to twine around his heart. How Matsuta tied it there like a noose, tugging on heartstrings when Terushima stepped out of line. How there was so many things wrong, really wrong, with the kind of rules that had been set into his mind, how one sided they were, how unfair and unequal.

But so many of those awful feelings haven’t left. For a short time, they had faded, but as other feelings grew, so did they. The guilt, the shame, the fear and frustration, the self loathing.

He’s disgusted with himself.

After all that Kuroo and Bokuto have done for him, his show of recompense is lusting after them. How thankless. _How perverse._

He doesn’t deserve their kindness, he starts to realize, looking at the two of them. They’re so happy, content, together. They love each other so much, so much more than Matsuta ever loved him. And he, he has the audacity to feel like he wants to be apart of that? How dare he even let that thought cross his mind, how treacherous his heart must be to always yearn for things he shouldn’t have.

(Maybe that’s why he stayed with Matsuta so long, because he knew that was what he deserved, unfaithful and disloyal as he was. That’s what Matsuta used to tell him, sometimes, when they would fight and he would try to leave.)

Subconsciously, he begins to withdraw. It’s so small, it doesn’t even matter, really. He just distances himself a little, less touches, less longing gazes, less texting. Less talking. (Oh, how familiar it feels.)

And at first, they don’t notice, tiny as it is.

From there, it just makes sense to stop practicing together, stop asking for homework help, stop meeting up with them at all. Then, they start getting suspicious. Terushima can sense it, in their mannerisms and sideways glances to each other. Matsuta starts cropping up in conversations again; Kuroo keeps asking if he’s been bothering Terushima, and Bokuto will call him around the time he gets home, asking how his day was as if he isn’t checking up on him.

Terushima tries so hard to drift away. (Sometimes he thinks it would be better if he just disappeared.)

He doesn’t realize how bad it’s gotten, avoiding Kuroo and Bokuto as avidly as he has been, until Futamata asks him quietly outside the locker rooms, “Hey, have Kuroo and Bokuto been… Hurting you, at all?”

A laugh is shocked out of him, startled and abrupt. “I- What? No.” The smile fades from his lips as he swallows. “No. Why do you ask?”

Futamata looks minorly alarmed, perhaps at Terushima’s response, perhaps at being put on the spot. He bites at his thumb nail in a nervous habit that he doesn’t even appear to register. “Well, me and Bobata have kind of… noticed….” He hesitates and starts over. “You’ve been acting how you did when you were with Matsuta. And you’ve been spending so much time with Kuroo and Bokuto, we thought they might have been treating you badly. Like he did.”

“No, no, they would never… They would never do that. Have I, though? Been acting like that?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how to explain it, but you feel nervous, maybe?”

“I guess I am. Not for that reason, though.” Terushima messes with his nails, scraping dirt out from under them. He feels Futamata’s inquisitive eyes on him. “I, uh- I think I-” _Tell him_ , part of him screams. _He’s your friend!_ “I like them. Both of them.”

He bubbles over. “I like them both and I don’t know what to do because they’re together and they helped me and _they’re my friends_ . This will hurt them so much, how could it not, when I’m trying to come between them? And they don’t know and there’s no way I could tell them, like, oh hey, so glad the whole situation with my ex is worked out, can I hook up with one of you now? How- how can I let myself feel like this? _I can’t-_ ” He inhales a gasp. “I had to stay away from them. I have to. That’s why.”

He waits to see repulsion on Futamata’s face but it doesn’t come. Instead, the other boy only chews on his lower lip, considering.

“You can’t help the way you feel, first off. I think that’s first and most important. Crushing on someone doesn’t make you a bad person. And it’s not like you’re trying to break them up. Distancing yourself from them is practically the opposite of that. I don’t think they would ever cast you out just because of the way you feel. They’re better than that, right? And, Terushima,” Futamata gives him a soft smile. “You deserve to be happy. I think you should tell them.”

Terushima feels those words sink into his skin, like water through sand. “Maybe,” he whispers.

 

Somehow, just like everything always does, it comes into the light.

“Teru,” Bokuto says as the blond fidgets on the cushions. The arm of the couch presses into his back, his hands tucked beneath his legs. The soft, near muted credits of a movie play in the background. “You gotta tell us what’s up with you.”

Terushima fixes his eyes on a patch of worn fabric. The threads go in and out of focus every time he blinks. “Nothing’s up.” He mumbles.

Bokuto looks anxiously back at Kuroo. Kuroo, who has his arm wrapped protectively around Bokuto’s waist. Terushima’s gaze slides over to that contact for a second before darting away.

“Come on, Teru. We know you better than that. We’ve noticed.”

His heart, his traitorous heart, clenches. He gazes at them from under bleached blond hair. “Noticed what?”

“You’ve been ignoring us! You’re shutting us out! I don’t what the deal is, but if it’s Matsuta-”

“No.” Terushima cuts him off, eyes flitting away. “It’s not- It’s not him.”

“Then did we do something-”

Terushima scoffs, staring hard at the floor. “It’s not you.”

“Then _what_?” Bokuto sounds so frustrated, and Terushima feels his own feral feelings rise up in response.

“Nothing you can help me with, okay? Just leave me alone for once!”

He only glimpses Bokuto’s shocked expression for a second before he hides his face in his knees. He curls farther into the corner, feeling his breaths shudder in and out. He squeezes his eyes shut until stars sparkle behind his eyelids. The back of his throat burns as he thinks, _You hurt him, ungrateful, selfish, worthless idiot, you hurt him, fix it, fix it!_

When he lifts his head, he sees Kuroo’s reproachful gaze. His eyes narrow in accusation, golden and piercing. “Uncalled for, Terushima.”

He watches Bokuto lean into Kuroo’s chest, expression crushed as he avoids Terushima’s eyes. Regret swallows the second year’s thoughts. _Fix it, make him happy, anything to make him happy. (Tell them the truth.)_

“I know. I know, I’m sorry. It’s just really hard-” His voice cracks like shattering china. “It’s hard for me to be around you right now.”

“Around Bokuto?” Kuroo questions, eyebrows furrowing.

“Yes. No.” Terushima shakes his head, urgency coloring his words. “ _Both of you._ ”

Kuroo blinks twice. “What?”

Bokuto peeks out from where his face had been pressed into Kuroo’s shirt, wide eyes so pitiful that something aches in Terushima. “ _Why?_ ” is all he asks.

Terushima’s last protections fracture. And break.

“I still like you.”

Bokuto openly gapes at him and Kuroo, Kuroo has the audacity to say, “Bokuto?”

“No, _both of you!_ Don’t you get it?” He growls, growing bigger, before all the fight is sucked out of him. He falls back to the cushions, eyes on the ceiling, repeating quietly, “ _Don’t you get it?_ ” He covers his face with his hands, muffling his voice. “How could I tell you guys something like that?”

“That’s why you’ve been pushing us away?” Bokuto’s voice is soft. “Terushima. _Teru._ ”

Terushima lets Bokuto peel his hands away from his face. He’s so close, too close, but Terushima can’t move.

“I wish you had told us, instead of hurting yourself like this.” Bokuto says as he kisses Terushima’s cheek gently.

The blond tries to think through a haze of shame and uncertainty. “No, no, it’s bad and awful and selfish. _I’m_ bad and awful and-”

“How many times do we have to tell you that’s not true?” Kuroo sounds exasperated but over Bokuto’s shoulder, his expression is fond. Terushima’s confusion multiplies tenfold.

“But-” He doesn’t get to finish because Bokuto kisses him.

Bokuto is kissing him.

Everything else seems to grind to a halt. It’s just Bokuto kissing him, compassionate and kind and gentle and loving and _hopeful_ , and Terushima kissing him back, him and Bokuto and Kuroo-

Everything snaps back into motion. _Kuroo._

Terushima jolts backwards, eyes wild (but alive). “I- I can’t do this. This can’t happen. You’ll hate me.”

“I don’t think so.” Kuroo intones affectionately. Bokuto picks up Terushima effortlessly, moving him in between the two of them. “I really don’t think so.”

Kuroo leans down and kisses Terushima, light and chaste, on the lips.

“Wait, _wait_ . I don’t understand what’s happening.” Panic claws at his stomach, panic that he doesn’t understand the situation and he’s going to slip up, but Kuroo and Bokuto are blocking both sides of him and everything is _overwhelming him-_

“Terushima, calm down, okay?” He nods because there’s nothing else he’s capable of and Bokuto’s hands squeeze his. “That was really fast. We didn’t mean to overwhelm you. Just breathe.” He does and he feels the grip on his hands relax, relieved.

He feels so exhausted. He closed his eyes and lets his head fall on Kuroo’s shoulder. There’s an intake of breath from above him.

Finally, Bokuto says, “You said you liked both of us.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Terushima huffs into Kuroo’s collarbones, still feeling Bokuto’s hands strong and steady in his.

“We gotta talk about it, sweetheart.” Kuroo whispers into his hair.

Terushima peeks up at him, expression both softer and more distressed. “Sweetheart?”

Kuroo shrugs. “I’ve wanted to call you that for a while now.”

“What is that supposed to _mean_?”

“It means,” Kuroo shifts, so his arms loosely encircle Terushima’s waist. “We want to give this a try.”

“What’s this?”

“This, the three of us. Together.” Bokuto continues as Terushima sucks in a lungful of air. “We’ve both been in polyamorous relationships before, and we’ve been talking about it. You. We both like you, _a lot_. We didn’t want to pressure you into anything, but if this is what you want,” Bokuto smiles at him, a tilt of the lips full of hope and eagerness. “Then we want you to know that we want it too.”

Terushima’s heart swells in his chest, pounding in his ears and fingertips, until he chokes out, “Yes, _yes._ ”

“ _Really?_ ” Bokuto squeals, _squeals_ , and wraps Terushima in a furious hug, lifting him into the air. Terushima squeaks, but mostly he’s laughing, giggles mixing with Kuroo’s beneath him, and maybe crying a little.

He’s eventually put down but he can’t stop beaming. As Kuroo hugs him gently from behind, as Bokuto babbles excitedly, happiness stays in his veins, golden and light and loving. This is a new beginning and for the first time in a long time, he’s excited for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _C'est la fin._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I may or may not make a sequel, eh.
> 
> But I did write an alternate ending (TeruDai), so proceed onward at your own peril.


	3. TeruDai- Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an alternate ending to Take (that's the second chapter), with Terushima ending up with Daichi instead of Bokuto and Kuroo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the deal: I really wanted to write a BokuKuroTeru fanfiction, or something with Terushima in it, or KuroBoku, and as tends to happen, this story tended to write itself. The plot will progress in the way it wants to, even if you had another ending in mind, for me at least. 
> 
> So in my head, I was like, "TeruDai makes sense, because Terushima is recovering and a poly relationship is a lot to take in and I never built much on KuroTeru and Daichi is basically the opposite of Matsuta, so it's what Terushima would thrive with. So TeruDai."
> 
> But then my sister ([check her out](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dirade/pseuds/Dirade)) was like, "You should just write what you want and make it the ending. And it's cute. So stop complaining."
> 
> And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I should do that!" So I did, but I had already written this, so here it is, if anyone so chooses to read this. (Or this hella long blurb, so sorry.)

There’s also…

Someone else.

 

Months had passed since Matsuta’s last visit. After all this time, there’s still dredges of his presence in Terushima’s system. Matsuta’s voice has become a distant one in the back of his head, quieter, but lurking there, whispering snide comments and vicious lies/truths sometimes. Terushima still feels the nerves burgeoning in his chest when he feels like he’s done something wrong, fear that consequences will follow swiftly and without remorse. It’s beginning to abate, though. All of it’s beginning to fade.

He’s with Kuroo and Bokuto when he meets him for the first time.

“So what’s the plan for today?” Terushima yawns as he walks with the two boys. The sun hangs pale above them, not quite the blinding blaze of noon, not the weakest first rays of morning, caught somewhere between the two.

“We were actually hoping to play a few practice games with the other team in this area. Nothing formal, but we figured since we’re down here. They have a bit of a rivalry with Nekoma.” Kuroo relates.

“Mmm?” Terushima hums non committedly, rubbing at his eyes. “Which team?”

“Karasuno, you know them?”

“Um, I think?” The blond fixes his eyes on the sky, blinking against the sun. “Heard of them, at least. They’re pretty up and coming, yeah? Don’t know any of them personally, though.”

“You should come!” interjects Bokuto.

“Yeah?” He says doubtfully.

“Yeah, yeah, it’ll be fun! We can introduce you and stuff.”

The second year shrugs, lips quirking at the ends. “Sure.”

 

“And that's the captain, Sawamura.” Finishes Kuroo, pointing out the last team member of Karasuno. “I think he's coming over here now, actually. Yo, Sawamura!”

Sure enough, the captain is approaching, a firm, honest smile on his face. Everything about him gives off that vibe, really. Firm, honest, strong. A little intimidating. Terushima didn't get out much, meet many new people, when he was with Matsuta. He's easing back into it but he’s glad that most of the attention is focused on Kuroo and Bokuto. 

Another thing he's noticed, another thing that changed without him realizing it when he was with Matsuta. He used to thrive under attention. Now he hides from it. ( _ Like a coward _ , a voice whispers but it's tiny and small and easy to ignore.)

“Good to see you, Kuroo, Bokuto.” Sawamura nods in their direction, before turning to Terushima, hands planted firmly on his hips. “And who might you be?”

He's huge, muscular and imposing, and Terushima feels his chest seize in anxiety. He scrambles for a moment, eyes darting to where Kuroo and Bokuto stand. Kuroo gives him an encouraging smile next Bokuto's thumbs up.

_ Just do it, Terushima. There's nothing to be afraid of. (He's not here anymore, he's gone, he won't hurt you.) _

Sawamura’s gaze is still fixed on him and when Terushima meets his eyes, they're warm and kind and confident and determined. The tension in Terushima relaxes.

“Terushima. Um, Terushima Yuuji.”

“Sawamura Daichi.” He holds out a hand and if Terushima hesitates, he hopes it isn’t noticeable. “Glad to have you here.”

“Thank you.” He doesn’t stutter. (It’s been a long time since he hasn’t stuttered.)

 

It’s not an immediate crush. Everything is too recent for it to be that. But Sawamura makes Terushima feel… safe. Supported. Worthy. And the man himself, while there’s no denying he’s handsome, there’s more than that too. He’s friendly and good natured and has a bit of a funny streak. That’s how it starts.

Kuroo and Bokuto, well, probably Kuroo, must pick up on it. Lingering gazes, hesitant smiles, feeling comfortable and not forcing it. Then, Sawamura starts cropping up whenever Terushima is with Kuroo and Bokuto. They eat dinner together, they play two-on-two games together, tour Tokyo together, go to see movies together.

And the more time he spends with Sawamura, the deeper in he gets. He’s incredibly strong morally, and to Terushima… That’s everything. Everything he missed, everything he thought he had, everything he needs right now.

The fact that he’ll call out any homophobic comments, he’ll play a fair game, he’ll be a good sport, he’ll merely shrug at a mistake, when Terushima is so used to people blowing up in anger, looking down on him, saying it’s his fault, not caring what he says; It’s something radically different.

After a movie, Kuroo and Bokuto rush out and Sawamura invites Terushima to his house, like it’s so easy. And it is. It’s easy to sit on his coach, to talk for an hour, to shake with laughter, to sit so close to him that it’s uncomfortably hot. And from there, it’s easy for Terushima to turn his head as Sawamura tilts down and kiss him.

“Is this okay?” Sawamura breathes into Terushima’s lip.

Something shifts in Terushima’s heart, something that wants something new and wonderful and exciting. He means it when he says, “Yes.”


End file.
